| This is my 6th month in recovery, it was hard in the beginning but its getting better. im coming to terms with myself. hating myself forever isnt going to get me anywhere. ive already wasted 3 years on mia/ana and 3 years on binging.
you dont have to hate food. you can still eat and be thin. i cant believe im saying these words. if i would have read this 3 years ago i would have never believed it. but its true. for the first time in my life. im healthy and thin. there are still those days where i hate my body. but its the only body i have in this world. and hating it everyday is just wasting every day. hating my body forever isnt going to get me anywhere. because even at my lowest weight i was still fat. it never ends.
i love you girls more then anything.
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| im sorry i havent updated.. ive been in some hardcore recovery im not even suppose to be on ill update later
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| well my apt today was canceled.. ironic huh?
im doing very well on my own actually. i have to. ive been given the opportunity to model.. its not for sure.. just like test shots.. but not until the fall.. so i have time..
i havent binged/ purged in 3 going on 4 days. and im very very proud of myself. ive been eating everyday and working out. hoping to get stronger.
i only take one diet pill.. fybersyn.. only because it has a lot of herbs and like.. "good for you" things in it. and it helps give me energy.. so idk its not a for sure long lasting thing.
and im not going to buy any more diet pills.. i dont want to risk anything.
i take a complex b vitiman.. i think it helps
i want to go the rest of this week without binging/purging i think i can do this. its been really easy so far because ive had a lot of distractions.. distractions help wonders..
im down to 125
and its easy.. its amazing how eating and working out really work haha
not starving or binging/purging.
dont get me wrong its not like i dont want to. but i have to think of things in the long run..
haha
well i have to go im going to have breakfast and workout.
i dont know how long ill be keeping xanga. but i will for now.
love you all<3
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| wow guys im really sorry its taken me so long to get back to everyone and update. a lot has been going on.
from my last entry. when i said i could look at the skinniest person and think they still have "fat" on them, it was like to say what i ment was my mind is so far gone and into being thin that i cant believe id let my self have a serious problem. i would never actually look at someone and think.. "your fat" when i look at someone i think.. wow i wish i could be that thin. or have that or that.. im not that terrible of a person ha
im learning now that what i have is really good. and im really happy with my facial features, hair.. ect. as i said i dont want this to be the death of me. i want to be strong and beautiful slim and in shape
i am in recovery now. i think this time around i can make it. i start tomorrow. im really excited actually, becuase i dont want this. i know sometimes i go into my .. "what what i thinking mood" but then i have to pull myself right out of it. just as in my last entry
Ive gained A LOT of weight im up to 135 now. and im 5'6, i dont even want to know my bmi, the ONLY reason ive put on so much is because ive been binging and purging like its my job. no less then 7 times a day. and even though my mom knows, i still get away with it. i think my mom dosent think im that sick, becuase when she thinks of an eating disorder she thinks if your really sick then you would be really thin. seeing as i was when i was 86lbs last year at this time, and now im 135 she thinks .. well shes fine..
it just sucks im only 17 and i always have to be the adult. but im worth it in my eyes and i want to make it.
ive been buying diet pills off line too. ive bought NV , and fybersyn, and they have actualy worked. but i know once i lose weight and stop ill gain it all back.. ive droped 5lbs in 3 days .. i was 140 nowi m 135 and i havent weighed myself yet this morning but i bet anything im at least 130 now.. i wouldnt recomned diet pills though even though they work now,.. you get heart palpatations, i shake all the time. i never sleep... idk i just dont think its worth it.. even though i take them
kjxzkjsdflk i need to be healthy and get into shape.
hmmm
id ont knwo..
how is everyone doing??
whats your intake. has anyone taking the diet pills i have?
even though i just preached about not bying them i want to try xendrine hardcore..
hmm
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| all thats left to do is starve.
in reality its the only thing that works
diets are ridiculous
just starve
im getting help now
im going back to recovery
my mother knows everything
i weight a lot
all i want to do is eat and i purge no less then 7 times a day
i think until i go to the clinic im going to do the -40lbs diet.
even though i dont believe in diets. im going on this one.
its fast 3 days .. eat soup on the 4th. wash rinse repeat
so in one week basically ill eat one day
fuck it i want to be 112 and im far from that goal weight.
im just done.
i want help
i dont know what to do
but just starve..
on my last note.. has anyone every felt that no one is skinny? like even the thinnest model isnt thin enough? i feel like that now and i dont like it. i know im far from thin. but i cant help to look at everyone else and see fat on them.. idk i just dont like who i am..
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©This is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food...
